this albums means a lot to me, but it also means a lot to my girlfriend, who kindly offered herself to share her thoughts:
it’s 2018. the internet is rife with mediocre rappers taking shots at each others’ mediocrity. poorly-written diss tracks are celebrated en masse. on november 23rd, an 18-year-old quadeca joins the fray. his first video gains over 8 million views in ten days.
fast-forward to 2023. when quadeca’s album ‘i didn’t mean to haunt you’ is recommended to me by samuel, i assault him with a barrage of skepticism: is this the quadeca i’m thinking of? he’s still alive and relevant? when did he start making actual music?
after begrudgingly agreeing to listen, i opened spotify with zero expectations. i had no idea that i was going to be hit in the face with one of the most incredible conceptual albums of all time.
'i didn’t mean to haunt you' is a semi-narrative album set from the perspective of quadeca’s ghost after having committed suicide. trapped in purgatory, the ghost is forced to watch and experience the grave repercussions of his actions. summarizing this masterpiece is next to impossible, but i’m going to try my best to do so succinctly by breaking down each song to undeserved simplicity.
sorry4dying sets the stage for the story. initially quadeca shows no remorse for his decision and remembers the depression that led up to this point. he realizes that he is trapped in his old family house and is forced to witness his mourning family. he screams at them in a failed attempt at communication, now facing the reality of his decision’s aftermath and his inability to console his mother. at this point, quadeca believes he wouldn’t change his course of action if given the opportunity.
tell me a joke depicts quadeca attending his own funeral. during the service he realizes that he is, in fact, a ghost and his loved ones are discussing his passing. he tries to find humor in the burial service, thinking about his life as unimportant while his family calls it ‘unfinished’ and ‘too soon.’ quadeca deems his own life a joke with no punchline. he wants his life to be forgotten as soon as possible, but no one can hear him.
don’t mind me delves into quadeca’s subsequent haunting of different members of his family as they seek closure. he watches his mother go through his possessions, trying to find reasons for her son’s suicide. he watches his family make a collage of pictures and quotes and encourages them to grieve the curated version of him they choose to remember. guilt seeps into quadeca’s narrative as he yearns to comfort his loved ones.
picking up hands depicts quadeca following his grieving mother to his bedroom. time has passed and she has yet to find closure. quadeca is flooded with memories, finding meaning in things he’d never thought about before. it’s obvious that he now is feeling some regret, but he tries to focus on the hopelessness he felt while alive to block out the guilt that is beginning to creep into his mind. by the end of the track, a significant time has passed. his mother has started to move on and leaves his bedroom, but quadeca remains trapped in limbo.
born yesterday continues to show quadeca’s mother healing and moving on from his death. he feels forgotten. he feels left behind. he has watched his family grieve his death, and now he is grieving the living. quadeca finally realizes, after such tremendous denial, that he regrets killing himself.
the memories we lost in translation shows quadeca twisting his mother’s letting go of her grief into the grotesque feeling of disinterest. this is the bridge that showcases this idea that will eventually consume him with feelings of resentment.
house settling tells a story that is open to interpretation. mine is that quadeca, in a state of desperation, kills his mother in an attempt to speak to her again. she goes into her own separate limbo and he tragically is still unable to communicate with her. i highly recommend listening to this track and decide for yourself what the song depicts.
knots is a song that touches on a lot of things, but one thing in particular stands out to me: quadeca uses the word “static” as a way to describe ending his own life, saying that he doesn’t “fade to black” but instead “cut(s) to static.” it is also a nod to the static which ends the album.
fantasyworld is an emotional and powerful ballad which culminates in quadeca completely giving up on his ability to leave purgatory. he “dreams about crossing” into the afterlife but knows he never will. he is desperate for heaven and wants his existence to end.
fractions of infinity shows quadeca finally thinking clearly. he addresses his existentialism by declaring himself to be a very small part of an infinitely large universe, but makes a point to say that his loved ones are also very small parts of this universe. quadeca realizes that his decision to end his life was wrong because although he felt insignificant, the people in his life made living worthwhile. he is finally ready to ascend into whatever is waiting for him.
fractions of infinity shows quadeca finally thinking clearly. he addresses his existentialism by declaring himself to be a very small part of an infinitely large universe, but makes a point to say that his loved ones are also very small parts of this universe. quadeca realizes that his decision to end his life was wrong because although he felt insignificant, the people in his life made living worthwhile. he is finally ready to ascend into whatever is waiting for him.
‘i didn’t mean to haunt you’ is essentially the culmination of true artistic evolution. i initially scoffed at this album, but it’s a masterpiece and one of my favorite albums of all time. it is sonically cohesive in a way i have yet to hear in anything else. quadeca’s execution of his unique sound is a testament to his growth as an artist. i would have never bothered to listen based off of name alone, and i am so grateful that samuel persuaded me to give it a chance. thanks, samuel. cool website btw.
